She says: "you're a challenge!"
I say: "you're not"
She says: "Do you remember me?"
I say: "sure don't"
She says: "Why don't we talk anymore?"
I say: "..."
Women have lost their luster... And I'm a little scared of what it might mean. I'm jaded and done with love and so certain it won't happen but kind of hoping that it does... Lost loves and all that. And it's annoying me.
Okay, it's not love I want-well not how you think of it. Sure, tons of girls are pretty, some are charming, a few are vapid but great at sex and I can have them all. But none, at least none at the moment, are in tune with me. It's almost like a duty for me. These girls need to know what it's like to actually have a charming, quality man. I love them each and I can bring them all very real joy but I'm not happy.... In return all I ask is someone I can admire and respect that gives me a few moments of distraction... happiness really. But a different kind of happiness. None of them GET me. Not really. They just see me as edgy, or funny, or whatever else it is that attracts them. But they don't innovate, they don't run with my thoughts and anticipate, they aren't hilarious, they don't challenge me....they are eventually boring. And I can't share my life with them like I want to-they wouldn't get it or appreciate it. What I do...It's a devotion but not a passion. It's a chore not my hobby. It's a healing love that I need to do, not always what I want to do.
Sure it comes with it's own high quality problems. Most guys whine pathetically about not being able to talk to girls. Others read some pick up manual to learn to be douchey. I don't, I just go and love and explore the feminine. Within this past week that I've assumed my "duty", as if blood was cast into the water, they have come. Hungry, desperate, and craving my love. Blond at the bar can't help but exude a... "talk to me" vibe. Some sort of recent break up, obviously newly single and trying to get back in the game-she mistakes my sweeping glance for interest and won't stop trying to bring me over. Next bar, I'm bored and quietly exploring the roof (like any good ninja) while my female friend puts the moves on her fella. A new girl attempts to talk me out of my roof exploration. Overly cautious, rule bound, and definitely motherly she's not my type at all. But her friend wants me and is just charming enough to grab my interest. The bus, another one-sexy silver highlights and a deceptively laid back attitude... Everywhere. I don't want for women, they want for me. And these girls adore me but I'm scared I'll never find that happiness again- that this jaded, mostly bored with women person is just who I am now-not a phase. It's the lot in life that I've taken. Fate or not, it's where I am. And I'll do it-when I admire them.
But some days.... a lot of days, I don't have to like it. God damn my charming self. And god has, if you believe in that sort of thing. :D