Do You Want To?

I'm fondly recalling what's been happening over the past few days and anticipating the next few. Moved-which is a big step toward starting to make money again... and I went on a date, and I hung out with the girl I'm seeing. Guess what's really taking my attention. The women, as always. In meeting someone it's weird how it works. Mary Claire (so it must be true) says that women know in the first 5 seconds of meeting a guy whether or not sex will happen. I know just as quickly. Can't help but wonder why it's “just” women that decide that quickly.

In her frame it seems to be more negative (I've heard her talk before) like she'll only know definitely if it will never happen or if maybe one day she'll be open to it. Maybe it's a perk of my gender but I on the other hand know that it will happen. Or that it won't.

There's a something my cock reacts to... And I wonder if that's what they always meant all along when they refer to something as proper and high-minded as attraction/spark/ whatever else. A... yelp, as though it's saying “hey fucker, pay attention to me.” It really is a needy appendage. It's not a hardness though. Just a little nudge... a tingle. And I know the tingle, it can lead to hardness instantly but it doesn't have to.

But it happens and I know. Her and I will have sex.

There's something so... invigorating about talking to someone and finding the tingle unexpectedly...and then getting hard just from the conversation. And seriously just the conversation, my cock often surprises me because I rarely actually think sexually first. He leads. If that spark happens, well my dick gets impatient. Usually I force him to wait. Nothing has that much power over me and after the spark we all know it's going to happen anyway. But then escalation has to happen.. somewhere she should probably know the inevitability too. Eyes play over gently, a stolen glance that I let her catch. Does she notice? Is she receptive? It's not so much that I'm afraid or that I'm unsure. My dick has spoken and he gets exactly what he wants because he speaks another language and he knows what she wants-maybe before even she does. Now it's a matter of when. When will she rip my clothes off? How much attraction do I need to incite in her before she can't stand it? A tilt of my hips-as if presenting myself, does she notice that? What about a casual brush? Maybe the spark needs to be passed... so contact under a respectable / plausibly deniable / innocent pretext. A hand at the small of her back as I open a door, or a playful shove, or a professional handshake, or something...it doesn't matter how. Bam. Now she has the spark, she knows too.

And we dance, the masculine in me, the feminine in her. And the two are surprisingly cunning. Both just getting our prim and proper minds into it, both coaxing us into opening the cages.

Then the exhilaration comes... the anticipation. How will my dick react once the cage is open? Will it be calm? Will it be nervous, edging out of the cage slowly, taking in the room first ensuring it's safety and then proceeding gently? Will it be subtle? Or will it charge out of the cage to meet her just outside of hers? Will it throw her down and bite and claw and rip taking and giving what we both want in the same fell swoop? Or will we meet in the middle in perfect union like champion dancers?

And then the cages open, and we find out. And we let our beasts out to consume our selves and in surrendering what we are, we become something else. Something deeply primal and free!

At that moment of surrender we glimpse something... maybe true freedom. Something that hearkens all the way back to the days before the end of the garden. Before our arrogance convinced us we could ever / had ever gained the knowledge of good and evil. Before we hefted the burden of our care from the shoulders of the gods. It touches us and brings us there because as the masculine and feminine meet perfectly, creation can occur. In that moment, we are god. But that power can't be held or maintained and so the moment is fleeting. A glimpse. And it's back to the cage with our respective souls. And the moment of deep freedom and vulnerability (because that's a moment when we truly are just who we are, no pretexts or egos) is quickly covered with talk of work, or a hilarious youtube video, or some witty banter.

No the power can't be held or contained it can only be conducted for a moment. And yet there are those who try. As the chains of religion attempt the reign in the power, it will slip away-ever free. The power should be embraced/conducted for that one perfect moment and then what else is there? Why the guilt? Why the stigma? Why the arrogance to assume the will of god is known? Why anything besides that moment?

So I move forward. Happily and enthusiastically seeking the next moment with the special her that can go there with me.. it's not exactly a one person trip and it isn't just sex although the fools might think that. No this is something else. A moment to practice creation, to practice being a god. And I think I need much practice. 

A Non-Monogamist's Quick Survival Guide

Apparently my mind boner for Nicole Daedone is just huge and I'm not creative. But for any of you seeking a less extreme version of what she pursues and lives... here's what I'm doing. If you want to also try non-monogamy (NM from here on), here is a short survival guide.

Figure out what you want and be specific. I want to see if NM hurts less than monogamy. Although hurt is very subjective, I'll 'know' based on how I react (I tail spin in my life when monogamy doesn't work). I also know I get bored with even my soulmate in monogamy after long enough. So, 2 testable reasons to attempt NM. I get bored or not, and I tail spin or not in failure. Two possible confounds with boredom: I didn't keep the sex interesting/fun enough or my testosterone was unnaturally low due to a myriad of reasons. Anyway...

You're making a commitment, odd as it sounds. You're dating and becoming involved with NM. Treat her like a person. Seriously. I failed at this for someone who might just be my soulmate. What I got was a lot of pain for her, for me, and for a 3rd person. The reason I'm dating NM is to try and see if she'll help me avoid that kind of pain. Can't say yet one way or the other if she does, and you have your own reasons. At any rate to avoid leaving her realize you're new mate, NM, is very serious but demands only one simple rule be followed.

You may love anyone, you may do anything, but you cannot love JUST one.

So there's the principle, the over arching string theory-esque rule of NM. All else flows from that. If you break her rule, she'll leave and monogamy will get you. I'll keep you posted on who is the more painful sister.

Some guidelines

Some of these took me a long time to figure out. Others were given to me. Once you break a “rule”, the reasoning becomes very apparent. Cross the lines at your peril.

>Never date a co-worker, never date a neighbor, never date the close relative of a good friend.

>Never sleep with a roommate-no matter how desperate / lonely.

>Trust her, be honest, and communicate.

>Don't think you're above jealousy just because you can man-whore around effectively.

>Each girl deserves her special time with you.

>Always use safe sex.

>Get tested at least every 6 months for the most common STI's in your area (be sure you confirm it covers everything, most centers only check for a few types of infections).

>Know the symptoms and signs of common STI's for both genders-for your safety and hers.

>To avoid attachment see them no more than 3 times per week. Not always necessary, remember the one rule.

>Be a gentleman, use chivalry.  No anti-feminist weirdness, no misogyny.  Just do it.

>Be Genuine. You can only fake for so long. Life's just easier when you're genuine.

>You still have to deal with breakups. They never get easier.

A New Soul Mate?

So a few days ago I found this idea. The idea came from Nicole Daedone's post originally, which- she's brilliant and super non-monogamous if you've never heard of her. Here is a link to her original post. Reading it will help you understand what I'm getting at here. After several read throughs, I realize it isn't that clear without reading her piece.  PS: just realized you'll also have to sign up but it's super easy and worth it.  

Anyway, what she hits on at some point is that she's actually more monogamous than anyone-one man many bodies. And I find myself absolutely drawn to that idea, but a little afraid too.

So in dealing with women, and people in general I imagine, (I only find it really poignant in women probably because I don't date guys) I find common themes and certain things that are just... the same. What if that isn't just coincidence or whatever? What if each girl is just embodying the feminine at that moment and I'm just reading that? Words are similar, tones are similar, even orgasms can be. And I savor every moment of it with every woman... even the ones I've learned to hate afterwards (the one that lied about the pregnancy, the one that screwed me on rent, etc). Despite the differences women aren't so different (and yet they are, it's hard to explain) but I love seeing the quirks and finding the differences as well as the similarities.

And it does prescribe a near formulaic way of behaving. Interacting with women, there's a language going on that can be learned through trial and error or even faked as any in the “Pick Up artist" community can prove. That's a topic for another day. Also, PUA's are douches.

I love women, absolutely. The dance is so joyous. Be strong here, be vulnerable here, be chivalrous here, note what she likes, be ridiculous there, be playful now, now just be genuine. Slowly leading... slowly building the attraction.

As I foray into what I think I want with non-monogamy I've wondered how other women would see it if they knew everything. It feels weird doing some playful thing that I've done with countless others. It feels almost dishonest. But with every girl the first playful thing is only the same... afterward, we make our own games. But still... the same questions, the same things said until I know enough to make a new game. Feels wrong. But maybe that's why I like Nicole Daedone's post so much.

I'm not just mindlessly doing a routine as the Pick Up Artist's do. No, it's a place holder. “Dork” for now until I find something more personal for you, until I see how the feminine plays in you. I suppose it's not so different from sex... there's only so many positions, can't have a new one with every girl so the beauty comes in with the differences. And it's so very fun. Exploring the feminine in all of it's odd little manifestations. Quirks and all. That lends some comfort. I'm not a man-whore... although I wouldn't argue terribly hard with you on that. I just love the feminine. My love affair with the ultimate woman. One woman many bodies.

And to what end? Where does it go?

I have much unease as yet. What about the 'love of my life'? Was she just the most feminine I've found so far that fit with my peculiar type of masculine? And not to say I'm the most masculine guy ever, as my having the “music tastes of a teenage girl” will attest to-I'm not. But what does that mean? I feel like she was my one and it could've worked but it didn't. So is this 'one woman, many bodies' thing just the belief I'm desperately clinging to out of fear of being alone or never finding my soulmate again? Is the whole idea of a soulmate just cultural conditioning anyway? And what about the other one... the one I left for who I thought was my soulmate? <-I'm a total douche -maybe even PUA caliber douche- I know this. Did I really find my 98% match and then my 95% match immediately after? Or was my 95% match really just the glitter of the honeymoon phase cut short before the glitter wore off? I immediately regret my use of the word glitter thanks to fracking twilight. Anyway, could I ever have really had them both? It was discussed and considered between all three parties.... Damn, and here I thought writing was supposed to answer questions. Just by the way, those percentages aren't exact numbers, no such thing with feelings and people but you get the point with those numbers.

I guess at the end of it I'm just going to try non-monogamy yet again but with more vigor this time and without being distracted by a set of pretty eyes that hold promise of something like a soul mate. Tried that twice or maybe three times, time for something new that hopefully hurts everyone less...I can't go through that again... nor can I drag yet another poor girl through that... And this belief will be my guiding light. One woman, many bodies. I'm more monogamous than you because I've only ever loved one woman. My peculiar kind of masculine finds her and I'm along for the ride. And she finds me from within different girls... and each time I have to draw her out amid the shyness, the charming quirks, the random insecurities, the beauties, and the faults. And I love the ride. Just like finding an old friend in some random city... that instant connection like you were never apart. I will see her in you.

And that'll hurt less than trying to find a soulmate... or my soulmate will be fine with this... or I'll die alone.....or I'll have 30 love children all out to kill me for being such a man whore in some ridiculously convoluted story line with revenge and ninja stars. Any one of those four could happen, right? Eh, at least it'll be interesting, right?

One woman, many bodies.

Yeah... I'm not sure I believe it yet either.

///

LikeAHorse (btw that's my pen name on wordpress. Regardless of the blog engine I choose, I'm glad this pen name came of it.... Put any verb or adjective in front for hours of fun.)