23 May 2012

A New Soul Mate?

So a few days ago I found this idea. The idea came from Nicole Daedone's post originally, which- she's brilliant and super non-monogamous if you've never heard of her. Here is a link to her original post. Reading it will help you understand what I'm getting at here. After several read throughs, I realize it isn't that clear without reading her piece.  PS: just realized you'll also have to sign up but it's super easy and worth it.  

Anyway, what she hits on at some point is that she's actually more monogamous than anyone-one man many bodies. And I find myself absolutely drawn to that idea, but a little afraid too.

So in dealing with women, and people in general I imagine, (I only find it really poignant in women probably because I don't date guys) I find common themes and certain things that are just... the same. What if that isn't just coincidence or whatever? What if each girl is just embodying the feminine at that moment and I'm just reading that? Words are similar, tones are similar, even orgasms can be. And I savor every moment of it with every woman... even the ones I've learned to hate afterwards (the one that lied about the pregnancy, the one that screwed me on rent, etc). Despite the differences women aren't so different (and yet they are, it's hard to explain) but I love seeing the quirks and finding the differences as well as the similarities.

And it does prescribe a near formulaic way of behaving. Interacting with women, there's a language going on that can be learned through trial and error or even faked as any in the “Pick Up artist" community can prove. That's a topic for another day. Also, PUA's are douches.

I love women, absolutely. The dance is so joyous. Be strong here, be vulnerable here, be chivalrous here, note what she likes, be ridiculous there, be playful now, now just be genuine. Slowly leading... slowly building the attraction.

As I foray into what I think I want with non-monogamy I've wondered how other women would see it if they knew everything. It feels weird doing some playful thing that I've done with countless others. It feels almost dishonest. But with every girl the first playful thing is only the same... afterward, we make our own games. But still... the same questions, the same things said until I know enough to make a new game. Feels wrong. But maybe that's why I like Nicole Daedone's post so much.

I'm not just mindlessly doing a routine as the Pick Up Artist's do. No, it's a place holder. “Dork” for now until I find something more personal for you, until I see how the feminine plays in you. I suppose it's not so different from sex... there's only so many positions, can't have a new one with every girl so the beauty comes in with the differences. And it's so very fun. Exploring the feminine in all of it's odd little manifestations. Quirks and all. That lends some comfort. I'm not a man-whore... although I wouldn't argue terribly hard with you on that. I just love the feminine. My love affair with the ultimate woman. One woman many bodies.

And to what end? Where does it go?

I have much unease as yet. What about the 'love of my life'? Was she just the most feminine I've found so far that fit with my peculiar type of masculine? And not to say I'm the most masculine guy ever, as my having the “music tastes of a teenage girl” will attest to-I'm not. But what does that mean? I feel like she was my one and it could've worked but it didn't. So is this 'one woman, many bodies' thing just the belief I'm desperately clinging to out of fear of being alone or never finding my soulmate again? Is the whole idea of a soulmate just cultural conditioning anyway? And what about the other one... the one I left for who I thought was my soulmate? <-I'm a total douche -maybe even PUA caliber douche- I know this. Did I really find my 98% match and then my 95% match immediately after? Or was my 95% match really just the glitter of the honeymoon phase cut short before the glitter wore off? I immediately regret my use of the word glitter thanks to fracking twilight. Anyway, could I ever have really had them both? It was discussed and considered between all three parties.... Damn, and here I thought writing was supposed to answer questions. Just by the way, those percentages aren't exact numbers, no such thing with feelings and people but you get the point with those numbers.

I guess at the end of it I'm just going to try non-monogamy yet again but with more vigor this time and without being distracted by a set of pretty eyes that hold promise of something like a soul mate. Tried that twice or maybe three times, time for something new that hopefully hurts everyone less...I can't go through that again... nor can I drag yet another poor girl through that... And this belief will be my guiding light. One woman, many bodies. I'm more monogamous than you because I've only ever loved one woman. My peculiar kind of masculine finds her and I'm along for the ride. And she finds me from within different girls... and each time I have to draw her out amid the shyness, the charming quirks, the random insecurities, the beauties, and the faults. And I love the ride. Just like finding an old friend in some random city... that instant connection like you were never apart. I will see her in you.

And that'll hurt less than trying to find a soulmate... or my soulmate will be fine with this... or I'll die alone.....or I'll have 30 love children all out to kill me for being such a man whore in some ridiculously convoluted story line with revenge and ninja stars. Any one of those four could happen, right? Eh, at least it'll be interesting, right?
One woman, many bodies.

Yeah... I'm not sure I believe it yet either.

LikeAHorse (btw that's my pen name on wordpress. Regardless of the blog engine I choose, I'm glad this pen name came of it.... Put any verb or adjective in front for hours of fun.)

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