I'm fondly recalling what's been happening over the past few days and anticipating the next few. Moved-which is a big step toward starting to make money again... and I went on a date, and I hung out with the girl I'm seeing. Guess what's really taking my attention. The women, as always. In meeting someone it's weird how it works. Mary Claire (so it must be true) says that women know in the first 5 seconds of meeting a guy whether or not sex will happen. I know just as quickly. Can't help but wonder why it's “just” women that decide that quickly.
In her frame it seems to be more negative (I've heard her talk before) like she'll only know definitely if it will never happen or if maybe one day she'll be open to it. Maybe it's a perk of my gender but I on the other hand know that it will happen. Or that it won't.
There's a something my cock reacts to... And I wonder if that's what they always meant all along when they refer to something as proper and high-minded as attraction/spark/ whatever else. A... yelp, as though it's saying “hey fucker, pay attention to me.” It really is a needy appendage. It's not a hardness though. Just a little nudge... a tingle. And I know the tingle, it can lead to hardness instantly but it doesn't have to.
But it happens and I know. Her and I will have sex.
There's something so... invigorating about talking to someone and finding the tingle unexpectedly...and then getting hard just from the conversation. And seriously just the conversation, my cock often surprises me because I rarely actually think sexually first. He leads. If that spark happens, well my dick gets impatient. Usually I force him to wait. Nothing has that much power over me and after the spark we all know it's going to happen anyway. But then escalation has to happen.. somewhere she should probably know the inevitability too. Eyes play over gently, a stolen glance that I let her catch. Does she notice? Is she receptive? It's not so much that I'm afraid or that I'm unsure. My dick has spoken and he gets exactly what he wants because he speaks another language and he knows what she wants-maybe before even she does. Now it's a matter of when. When will she rip my clothes off? How much attraction do I need to incite in her before she can't stand it? A tilt of my hips-as if presenting myself, does she notice that? What about a casual brush? Maybe the spark needs to be passed... so contact under a respectable / plausibly deniable / innocent pretext. A hand at the small of her back as I open a door, or a playful shove, or a professional handshake, or something...it doesn't matter how. Bam. Now she has the spark, she knows too.
And we dance, the masculine in me, the feminine in her. And the two are surprisingly cunning. Both just getting our prim and proper minds into it, both coaxing us into opening the cages.
Then the exhilaration comes... the anticipation. How will my dick react once the cage is open? Will it be calm? Will it be nervous, edging out of the cage slowly, taking in the room first ensuring it's safety and then proceeding gently? Will it be subtle? Or will it charge out of the cage to meet her just outside of hers? Will it throw her down and bite and claw and rip taking and giving what we both want in the same fell swoop? Or will we meet in the middle in perfect union like champion dancers?
And then the cages open, and we find out. And we let our beasts out to consume our selves and in surrendering what we are, we become something else. Something deeply primal and free!
At that moment of surrender we glimpse something... maybe true freedom. Something that hearkens all the way back to the days before the end of the garden. Before our arrogance convinced us we could ever / had ever gained the knowledge of good and evil. Before we hefted the burden of our care from the shoulders of the gods. It touches us and brings us there because as the masculine and feminine meet perfectly, creation can occur. In that moment, we are god. But that power can't be held or maintained and so the moment is fleeting. A glimpse. And it's back to the cage with our respective souls. And the moment of deep freedom and vulnerability (because that's a moment when we truly are just who we are, no pretexts or egos) is quickly covered with talk of work, or a hilarious youtube video, or some witty banter.
No the power can't be held or contained it can only be conducted for a moment. And yet there are those who try. As the chains of religion attempt the reign in the power, it will slip away-ever free. The power should be embraced/conducted for that one perfect moment and then what else is there? Why the guilt? Why the stigma? Why the arrogance to assume the will of god is known? Why anything besides that moment?
So I move forward. Happily and enthusiastically seeking the next moment with the special her that can go there with me.. it's not exactly a one person trip and it isn't just sex although the fools might think that. No this is something else. A moment to practice creation, to practice being a god. And I think I need much practice.