I'm
fondly recalling what's been happening over the past few days and
anticipating the next few. Moved-which is a big step toward starting
to make money again... and I went on a date, and I hung out with the
girl I'm seeing. Guess what's really taking my attention. The
women, as always. In meeting someone it's weird how it works. Mary
Claire (so it must be true) says that women know in the first 5
seconds of meeting a guy whether or not sex will happen. I know just
as quickly. Can't help but wonder why it's “just” women that
decide that quickly.
In
her frame it seems to be more negative (I've heard her talk before)
like she'll only know definitely if it will never happen or if maybe
one day she'll be open to it. Maybe it's a perk of my gender but I
on the other hand know that it will happen. Or that it won't.
There's
a something my cock reacts to... And I wonder if that's what they
always meant all along when they refer to something as proper and
high-minded as attraction/spark/ whatever else. A... yelp, as though
it's saying “hey fucker, pay attention to me.” It really is a
needy appendage. It's not a hardness though. Just a little nudge...
a tingle. And I know the tingle, it can lead to hardness instantly
but it doesn't have to.
But
it happens and I know. Her and I will have sex.
There's
something so... invigorating about talking to someone and finding the
tingle unexpectedly...and then getting hard just from the
conversation. And seriously just the conversation, my cock often
surprises me because I rarely actually think sexually first. He
leads. If that spark happens, well my dick gets impatient. Usually
I force him to wait. Nothing has that much power over me and after
the spark we all know it's going to happen anyway. But then
escalation has to happen.. somewhere she should probably know the
inevitability too. Eyes play over gently, a stolen glance that I let
her catch. Does she notice? Is she receptive? It's not so much
that I'm afraid or that I'm unsure. My dick has spoken and he gets
exactly what he wants because he speaks another language and he knows
what she wants-maybe before even she does. Now it's a matter of
when. When will she rip my clothes off? How much attraction do I
need to incite in her before she can't stand it? A tilt of my
hips-as if presenting myself, does she notice that? What about a
casual brush? Maybe the spark needs to be passed... so contact under
a respectable / plausibly deniable / innocent pretext. A hand at the
small of her back as I open a door, or a playful shove, or a
professional handshake, or something...it doesn't matter how. Bam.
Now she has the spark, she knows too.
And
we dance, the masculine in me, the feminine in her. And the two are
surprisingly cunning. Both just getting our prim and proper minds
into it, both coaxing us into opening the cages.
Then
the exhilaration comes... the anticipation. How will my dick react
once the cage is open? Will it be calm? Will it be nervous, edging
out of the cage slowly, taking in the room first ensuring it's safety
and then proceeding gently? Will it be subtle? Or will it charge
out of the cage to meet her just outside of hers? Will it throw her
down and bite and claw and rip taking and giving what we both want in
the same fell swoop? Or will we meet in the middle in perfect union
like champion dancers?
And
then the cages open, and we find out. And we let our beasts out to
consume our selves and in surrendering what we are, we become
something else. Something deeply primal and free!
At
that moment of surrender we glimpse something... maybe true freedom.
Something that hearkens all the way back to the days before the end
of the garden. Before our arrogance convinced us we could ever / had
ever gained the knowledge of good and evil. Before we hefted the
burden of our care from the shoulders of the gods. It touches us and
brings us there because as the masculine and feminine meet perfectly,
creation can occur. In that moment, we are god. But that power
can't be held or maintained and so the moment is fleeting. A
glimpse. And it's back to the cage with our respective souls. And
the moment of deep freedom and vulnerability (because that's a moment
when we truly are just who we are, no pretexts or egos) is quickly
covered with talk of work, or a hilarious youtube video, or some
witty banter.
No
the power can't be held or contained it can only be conducted for a
moment. And yet there are those who try. As the chains of religion
attempt the reign in the power, it will slip away-ever free. The
power should be embraced/conducted for that one perfect moment and
then what else is there? Why the guilt? Why the stigma? Why the
arrogance to assume the will of god is known? Why anything besides
that moment?
So
I move forward. Happily and enthusiastically seeking the next moment
with the special her that can go there with me.. it's not exactly a
one person trip and it isn't just sex although the fools might think
that. No this is something else. A moment to practice creation, to
practice being a god. And I think I need much practice.
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