10 July 2012

A Perfect Moment With You

The love that will never be...
You started as my student... with a deep need to feel safe again? Or as I learn more maybe just to feel normal? You're using me to overcome some demons from your past-just as I did. And what demons you have! But there you are. Quiet, observant and cautious. Beautiful and intriguing in your reserve.

And then you pull a 180 and dive headlong into the training. Surprising me at all turns, learning faster than anyone... and not just learning-innovating, experimenting. The perfect student. Enthusiastic about the material but able to have fun with it. Exactly what I've needed. Exactly what I started teaching for. And then there was more, attractive and so in sync with me... it was inevitable. Of course I would become enamored with you. And yet, you dislike the way I date, and I can't have you then. So where are we?

California. A wonderous week filled with killing a few bucket list items. We're recognized by the International Krav Maga organization now. We've explored several nude beaches and our bodies... casually.. subtly with the eyes. Yes I saw you looking. Yes I looked. We know we're beautiful. Then the nightlife, the dancing. How well you move... the sheer grace and matching me. We were the perfect partners and they all could see it. You relished it. The girls envied you. Perfect. The guys envied me. Perfect.

Fun filled playing, terrible but laugh filled attempts at surfing, parasailing- the week was the best ever. And here we are at the end. Packed, ready to leave, hotel keys on the dresser. You look at me with those eyes, those gorgeous eyes of yours and I'm lost for a second... I snap out of it. I'll use my words not my eye contact. And so I begin.

Listen, I think I created you. The old voodoo priestesses would say I conjured you. That boy there, he's got the devil in him and he conjured that girl. And they're kind of right. You were born unto this world already loved. You're exactly what I've needed in my life. The perfect student and so much more. 

I bring my hand up to brush your cheek. The perfect friend when I've needed it.... So much in common, we're amazing together and yet, I'm taken. I can't stop until I know what it's like to love two, but that doesn't change what is here. I love you. But I would never do anything to hem in your freedom. You don't see the world as I do and so, our dating styles will never fit. But I can't help it. So, I will ask one thing and only one thing. Kiss me. 

I can see the surprise on your face, the joy building, the longing you have-those eyes threatening to spin me about yet again, I continue. Listen, you know me. This doesn't have to change anything with us. I love you but you don't need to say anything back. I probably won't say it again. We don't have to change what's between us ever. We don't have to talk about this. I just want to taste and know. To savor your love for the barest of seconds. And hopefully that'll be enough for me. Maybe one day, I'll see the world the way you do again and we can be the way you want to be. Just us. But I'm not there yet. So til then if there is ever a then... A kiss will have to be enough. I think you might be my ice cream truck in outer space. I love you. So kiss me.

And you smile, radiant, joyous. And I succumb and let your eyes take me. You jump into my arms, full body. I catch you. Just like when we passed our test. Just like so many moments we've shared.... but then..... our lips touch, soft at first but then so much more passionate. Hungry, desirous, my hand at the small of your back, the other at the back of your head. Pressing, pulling hair, squeezing, our bodies so close and yet never close enough. It's awakened, we know. We are each other's space faring cold treat vehicles. We're perfect. And our souls move to the walls of our bodies longing to be ever closer to their mates. And now we've found each other and we both find our values so needing to be compromised. But I've been there. I can't go there, I can't let you. If I don't discover what loving two is like I'll always wonder. I can't stop. And for that I'm sorry. The kiss isn't enough. It never was going to be. But for that one perfect moment, I can last. I can be sustained forever. Because I'll have to be.

All for a perfect moment that might never happen. You and those brilliant eyes of yours.  


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