The
love that will never be...
You
started as my student... with a deep need to feel safe again? Or as
I learn more maybe just to feel normal? You're using me to overcome
some demons from your past-just as I did. And what demons you have!
But there you are. Quiet, observant and cautious. Beautiful and
intriguing in your reserve.
And
then you pull a 180 and dive headlong into the training. Surprising
me at all turns, learning faster than anyone... and not just
learning-innovating, experimenting. The perfect student.
Enthusiastic about the material but able to have fun with it.
Exactly what I've needed. Exactly what I started teaching for. And
then there was more, attractive and so in sync with me... it was
inevitable. Of course I would become enamored with you. And yet,
you dislike the way I date, and I can't have you then. So where are
we?
California.
A wonderous week filled with killing a few bucket list items. We're
recognized by the International Krav Maga organization now. We've
explored several nude beaches and our bodies... casually.. subtly
with the eyes. Yes I saw you looking. Yes I looked. We know we're
beautiful. Then the nightlife, the dancing. How well you move...
the sheer grace and matching me. We were the perfect partners and
they all could see it. You relished it. The girls envied you.
Perfect. The guys envied me. Perfect.
Fun
filled playing, terrible but laugh filled attempts at surfing,
parasailing- the week was the best ever. And here we are at the end.
Packed, ready to leave, hotel keys on the dresser. You look at me
with those eyes, those gorgeous eyes of yours and I'm lost for a
second... I snap out of it. I'll use my words not my eye contact.
And so I begin.
Listen,
I think I created you. The old voodoo priestesses would say I
conjured you. That boy there, he's got the devil in him and he
conjured that girl. And they're kind of right. You were born unto
this world already loved. You're exactly what I've needed in my
life. The perfect student and so much more.
I
bring my hand up to brush your cheek.
The perfect friend when I've needed it.... So much in common, we're
amazing together and yet, I'm taken. I can't stop until I know what
it's like to love two, but that doesn't change what is here. I love
you. But I would never do anything to hem in your freedom. You
don't see the world as I do and so, our dating styles will never fit.
But I can't help it. So, I will ask one thing and only one thing.
Kiss me.
I can see the surprise on your face, the joy building, the longing
you have-those eyes threatening to spin me about yet again, I
continue. Listen,
you know me. This doesn't have to change anything with us. I love
you but you don't need to say anything back. I probably won't say it
again. We don't have to change what's between us ever. We don't
have to talk about this. I just want to taste and know. To savor
your love for the barest of seconds. And hopefully that'll be enough
for me. Maybe one day, I'll see the world the way you do again and
we can be the way you want to be. Just us. But I'm not there yet.
So til then if there is ever a then... A kiss will have to be enough.
I think you might be my ice cream truck in outer space. I love you.
So kiss me.
And
you smile, radiant, joyous. And I succumb and let your eyes take me.
You jump into my arms, full body. I catch you. Just like when we
passed our test. Just like so many moments we've shared.... but
then..... our lips touch, soft at first but then so much more
passionate. Hungry, desirous, my hand at the small of your back, the
other at the back of your head. Pressing, pulling hair, squeezing,
our bodies so close and yet never close enough. It's awakened, we
know. We are each other's space faring cold treat vehicles. We're
perfect. And our souls move to the walls of our bodies longing to be
ever closer to their mates. And now we've found each other and we
both find our values so needing to be compromised. But I've been
there. I can't go there, I can't let you. If I don't discover what
loving two is like I'll always wonder. I can't stop. And for that
I'm sorry. The kiss isn't enough. It never was going to be. But
for that one perfect moment, I can last. I can be sustained forever.
Because I'll have to be.
All
for a perfect moment that might never happen. You and those
brilliant eyes of yours.
///
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